Can I just say I'm alway impressed by people who can just put everything out on the table?
The other night, I'm at home working on tutus (everyone's asked why, so know they are a Christmas present for my precious 2 year old cousin Ivie)(and they look freaking awesome) and a friend is sitting at my dining room table. We're talking about our lives and what the heck we're supposed to do with them when she tells me about how a boy is complicating everything. She just lays it all out on the table for me to look at, analyze, mull over, take it or leave it. The ups. The downs. Everything.
I just wish I could do that.
I can manage 23 artists and events.
I can coordinate hundreds of people for a live show.
I can handle business.
But you want to know why I'm being so quiet?
You want to know why I'm acting like a monster?
You want to know what's happening in my head?
I just have trouble doing that.
The thing I pray for the most? Gentleness.
The thing I struggle with the most? Telling people that I need them.
And not eating all the Hershey Kisses Lydia leaves around our house.
In all that I've learned about community in the past few months, the lesson I'm in the midst of currently is vulnerability.
If you put it all out there, you can get shut down.
If you tell someone you need them, they might not show up.
Drop them before they drop you, that's my plan.
Better yet, they can't drop you, because they never had you.
It's all very childish. And dumb.
Today Mike Glenn said "relationships don't have limits."
What he meant was he's never answered a call from his wife (and I'd reason to guess his kids, or his dad, or his best friend) and said "Okay, this was your one call for the day. Make it a good one." He's never said "I talked to you on the phone yesterday. I got to talk to you on the phone today?!" Because when you are building meaningful, mutual relationships with people, the idea is you are offering one life in return for the other. When this doesn't happen, because one person won't give or one person can only take, what you have is unhealthy.
And when I'm ugly
I know you love me.
And you know all of me
And I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
"To Show You My Love"
How many people have I missed out on because I didn't want to need them more than they needed me?
How many people have I shut down because I couldn't use a measure of gentleness?
How much have I missed out on because I couldn't communicate with someone honestly and directly?
What would it be like to build relationships that didn't include withholding actual substance?
It's an interesting notion.
(If there's a part 1, there's usually a part 2. In this case, there certainly is, so 'to be continued')