Saturday, October 30, 2010

Every Day Is A Fight

Every day feels like a fight right now.

A fight between how I should respond and how I am responding.
A fight between where I am and where I want to be.
A fight between what I know doesn't matter and what I think should.
A fight between how mad I am and what I know God's promised.
A fight between being okay and being stuck in a giant panic attack.

Recently, I've been writing these letters to God because I feel like that's the only time I can focus long enough to get a complete thought out. The sad news is He isn't the best at writing back.
Truth be told, I don't know what I need from Him.
I don't entirely know why things aren't okay.
I just don't want to write. And I don't want to laugh.
And I don't want to work hard and right now I don't care about big things.
It all feels pointless.

MeLissa, who or what are you doing all these things for?
Maybe your focus is misdirected?
Maybe you need to get your act together.

You know what? All these things are true.
I honestly don't know how to resolve it.
I just need time to stew.
I just need to go home for a little bit.


NiTasha said...

i mostly nodded. my heart churned... and maybe took a leap. but not exactly for joy. mainly because it was understood. and i'm not sure why there's comfort in knowing you aren't alone, but sometimes there is. brings a piece of hope back to your pocket. and let's face it. that's a precious commodity. but above all, i want to just hug you and tell you all that with a look. and i'm thinking that will happen tomorrow.

ps i love you already.

MeLissa said...

How is it that our blogs are like to two people telling each other similar stories? Always?

ps I love you already as well. You had me at hello. For reals.

Katie DeCillo said...

this is real stuff. that is going on right. now.