Wednesday, June 2, 2010


Ben: I'm very sorry for what I did to you, John.
I was selfish, jealous, I wanted everything you had.
John: What did I have?
Ben: You were special, John. But I wasn't.

(click for sources, dawg)

My friend Lydia wrote a blog about Ben Linus, famed bad guy/good guy/nobody of any relevant importance as seen on Lost.

Ben Linus has had a special place in my heart, but that clip above broke my heart for him.

You were special.
I wasn't.

The funny thing is that Ben was special.
He wiped out the entire Dharma Initiative because he felt like it.
He led the Others.
He survived on a magical island.
He became Hurley's number 2.
Ben was special, but he never saw it.

He saw himself like this:

Despite all Ben accomplished (be it good or horrendously evil), he never felt like he mattered. It just makes me want to hug him as hard as I can, all the while telling him that he can stop hurting others as a way to hopefully squelch his own hurt.

Seth and I talked the other day about the difference in a view where everyone matters versus one where no one matters. Either God uses whoever He wants to show the individual that he doesn't matter in the big picture, or He uses people with purpose and intention, even when it doesn't look possible.

I used to be on a personal campaign to let everyone know that Jonah was the worst character in the Bible. I didn't want anyone to think he was a hero. I wanted everyone to know that he failed. Miserably. I didn't want him to be remembered because I didn't think he deserved it. I thought the people of Nineveh were what mattered.

Then Seth pointed out that Nineveh was probably filled with tons of Jonahs. Why did they matter if he didn't?

Cue: heartbreak
Jonah was special.
He was SO freaking important.
God chose him just as he was to do something big.
Sadly, we end his story like Ben Linus'.
He doesn't know that he's special- that he had a purpose, that he was picked out specifically.

So there.
Go with the easy, mushy moral to this story if you want.
Or, skip to the part of this story where you matter and go with that.
Who cares what everyone else is getting to do?

I love, Love, LOVE the heck out of you.

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