Sunday, April 18, 2010

Learning About Love - Pt. II

Okay, so two weeks ago, I experienced a week I referred to as "Shutter Island Week".
Sounds horrible, right?
That's because it was.

(Click for sources, dawg.)

If you're completely oblivious to the plot of Shutter Island, know that it meant I spent my week confused about what was fact or fiction, and probably deserving of a straight jacket. I acted like a crazy person.

"Why? That sounds positively horrendous!"

Right-o. And since I'm practicing openness and honesty, I'll tell you why.
That week I got a visit from a boy that I positively adored the year before.
I mean, ADORED.
One time he came and surprised me on my birthday- gift and card in hand, including a list explaining each piece, down to the bag it all came packed in. There were Reese's Peanut Butter Cups with the sweetest note I'd ever received. For a girl with a proclaimed heart of ice (that's another blog for another day), that was enough to take notice.

And you know what happened? Two months later, when I'd decided the ambiguity was too much to handle, he said he had no clue what I was talking about.
(Disclaimer: Because I still have the utmost respect for this gentlemen, I'm going to choose to believe he's not that dumb, but that also means I have to live with the fact that he's not telling the truth.)

There's a line from the movie Ghost of Girlfriends Past that says "the person who cares the least has all the power".
That's how I lived my life last year.
I had a lot of hurts but I chose to not acknowledge them under the pretense that I didn't care.

I didn't care that I hadn't talked to the friends I grew up with in a year and a half.
If they didn't care, neither did I.
I didn't care about boys because boys lie.
And I didn't care about ending up a hermit in an unmarked cave in the woods because that's what I really wanted after all. Can I get an amen?

Fast forward to two weeks ago.
Shutter Island Week.

Here's this SAME KID (!) and he's literally tied to me with rope (because we're rock climbing).
Unrelated to the situation with him, I stopped using Twitter that week, not because I was having a spiritual moment and fasting from technology, or because I realized the vanity sometimes tied to Twitter. I stopped tweeting because there was a specific person that I wanted to make sure knew that I didn't care about them.

"Do you think I love you? 'Cause I don't." -Erin McGown

For reals? Because THAT is what crazy people do.
Stop tweeting so someone will know I don't care about them.
And I'm standing at this rock wall,
...tied to this kid still,
......thinking about how little I cared about someone else.
And I realized I couldn't be that anymore.

I've decided that I don't ever want to do anything with the intention of making someone feel unloved again. I mean, that physically hurts me to think about. With all the rotten, no-good, horrible things that we have to experience in life, to think that my actions were causing someone to think I didn't care about

I don't want to be the one who cares the least.
I have nothing to gain by stockpiling my love, so I'm done.
Know that I love you, and not just reserved-for-a-boyfriend kind of love.
I'm talking about for everyone- head-over-heels, so proud, wildfire love.
I apologize, you reader of the Internet, for fighting so long to maintain my feeling of safety by making you think I cared the least.

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. -John 13:34-35

"...Just as I have loved you..."
That's an all-encompassing love.
A no-holds-barred kind of love.
A no-doubt-about-it kind of love.
That's how I want to love, because there's no real reason to keep love a secret (unless it's love for Ke$ha music, because... let's keep that a secret.)
That's how God loves, so, me too.

So there.
I love you.


Brandon Gilbert said...

This comment is for Part 1 as well:

We lack the capacity to love perfectly because we are a fallen people. We can only strive to TRY to love people as Jesus loves us.

It takes an amazing amount of introspection and growth to come to realize that you're not living it out as you should. I applaud you, and am proud to stand beside you in learning how to live this life.

gschof said...

i am proud of you, m.gav

you, and this, are good for my heart today and every day.