Sunday, November 22, 2009

Tomato, tomato

(Click photo for link)

It's come to my attention recently that, much like an 80 year old lady, I have a considerable number of life rules/preferences. Like such:
  • I do NOT high five people. Too many things can go wrong. And don't tell me just to look at the elbow, okay? That makes no account for strength, speed, or duration of hand-to-hand contact. Too many things.

  • I do NOT like to sleep in my jeans. Let me clarify, if I fall asleep on your couch and I'm wearing jeans, somebody better wake me up before the official lights out because, if I wake up in the morning, heads are going to roll. Maybe you're thinking "shouldn't it be your responsibility to make sure you don't sleep in your jeans?" Maybe so, but it's your funeral.

  • I like Reese's Peanut Butter Cups but abhor Reese's Pieces. This perplexes a lot of people. It's that hard candy shell that I can't handle, which leads into the next thing.

  • I do NOT like sugar candy. I can eat chocolate until the cows come home and demand their chocolate back, but Sour Patch Kids? Vomit. Swedish fish? Spontaneous combustion.

  • I can't watch movies about space or the oceans. I've never seen Armageddon or Deep Impact or all of Perfect Storm. I have seen Star Wars, Star Trek and Spaceballs, however. I think it's rooted in a fear of drowning/suffocating which was unfortunately perpetuated by an unfortunate episode of Baywatch that has stayed with me all these years.

  • If these songs come on the radio/iPod, I will NOT change them: "Semi Charmed Life" by Third Eye Blind, "Flagpole Sitta" by Harvey Danger, "No Air" by Jordin Sparks, "Blister In The Sun" by the Violent Femmes.

  • I will usually pick the thing that is not purple. I genuinely LOVE every color. Brown? yes. Red? of course. Green? Yellow? Orange? For sure. Purple? eh. I do have two purple articles of clothing (th eonly two I've ever owned), and I only bought one of them. I'm trying to work on this.

  • I collect ridiculous things: cigar boxes, magnets, pens with business names on them, notebads from hotel rooms, reusable bags. Really, I will hang on to anything that you can put things in: tins, boxes, and bags. Also anything with the following animals: penguins, moose, elephants, outlines of birds, and weird things like skunks or turtles.

  • I don't normally use antibacterial hand sanitizer. There are people in third world countries who regularly eat our of garbage dumps. If I get sick from touching a doorknob, I feel like I probably deserve it. I mean, use soap when you come out of the bathroom, but let's not get crazy. Additionally, when I was growing up, my parents never sanitized anything that I can remember. People came over when I got the chicken pox so they would get it too. And I'm never sick now. My kids might need multiple baths a day because of the things they get in to, but they'll also be able to survive a plague thanks to their hearty immune systems. You're welcome in advance, kids.

  • Never order meat anything more than medium. Otherwise the chefs are going to give you a crappy cut of meat and you should've just gotten something more cost efficient. Issues? See the life rule above this one.

No comments: