Sunday, November 29, 2009


found here

If I stay in one place, I lose my mind.
I'm a pretty impossible lady to be with.

-Kimya Dawson

True. Story.

This was the first time I've missed home in a long time.
Sorry mom.

Since I was little, I was never the homesick type.
When I was in elementary school, I decided I wanted to go to CUNY Hunter College in New York City, mostly because it was right downtown. There was also some influence from watching Felicity, I'm sure.

When I decided to move to Nashville, it was like a slow train going West. I thought it'd never be time for me to get the heck out of Orlando. And now I've lived in Tennessee 16 months and it's so much more than I ever imagined. I am an adventurer, so going is not usually a fear for me. I need it. To go.

But you know what I am so jealous of? I came home and got to see a lot of the once teeny high school babies. Some of them, I've had since middle school and now they're in college. That's the grossest thing I've ever heard of. FOR REAL. But they all have each other. They've grown up together, gone to church together, went to school together, continuing on together. Like 20 kids who have no job and plenty of free time just constantly all up in each others' business.

That sounds horrible.

Really? Look, left to my devices, I would most certainly become a hermit. Don't try and argue the point with me, because it is innately true. I would pick to be by myself.

But you know what is amazing? Community.
People wanting to be where you are.

Isn't that why people love falling in love? Someone wanting to be with them? Someone choosing us? Community is love on a grander scale. Having people to tell you good morning. Having people to tell you good night. Having people to eat your lunch with and watch Lost with. Having people to keep you up too late and wake you up too early. Even moms to open your windows when it starts getting cold in the fall? That is excellent. Having all your brothers still living in one house? It's like that was so long ago when every winter was taken up with wrestling matches at Lyman High School and watching the Grinch after school with my brothers like it was our job.

You don't always love each other to your utmost every second, but the parts that are great surely outweigh the parts that are whatever. You know what outweighs that even more? Not having to ask. People just being there because you know you all belong together.

I'm just worried I've gone so far that there isn't a place that is expressly home for me.

There aren't a lot of people who can say "remember when we were young and we wore homemade costumes and listened to Shirley Q. Liquor?" Those people are somewhere and everywhere. They're far, far away and we grew up and we're different folks. I suppose that doesn't change the fact that those memories exist. It just makes me a little homesick. Can you be homesick for a place that doesn't necessarily exist? I feel like I am.

So to people like Kiva and Eric and Kelsey- enjoy them while you have them. You guys are lucky. I didn't have that freedom in college. I didn't have those people in college. And I love Love LOVE you beyond words. That honestly happened on accident. I never meant to go to that church and I never meant to get involved, but despite my best efforts, I love coming home and seeing you. I love Sunday mornings and having 309847 hug me as hard as they can. It never gets old. I think this is the closest thing I've had to home and today I realized it.

And to people like Grace and Leslie and Kyle and Luke- I miss you guys, but I do enjoy the fact that we are up to date no matter how far away we are. I owe that mostly to you guys, because I am a failure.

And to people who live in Nashville, I want to see you all the flipping time. That's not even an exaggeration. I won't be tired of you, I promise. We're off to a good start, so let's keep it up.

So come to my house and bring your sleeping bag. Don't be afraid to send me the most ridiculous text messages or letters or emails or smoke signals or carrier pigeons. I love them. Let's get busy making memories because I'm homesick for it.

Love, with my whole heart-


leslie said...

you know that i'd love to take up permanent residence on your couch...i appreciate your constant willingness to take and hold me hostage in the great city that is's hoping that we'll never miss a beat.

i love you more than you could know.

Allison Drew said...

You wont admit it, but the place you miss is Lake City circa 2002. So, maybe call next time you're in Florida?

gschof said...

you are making a home in the best kind of way. on your terms, with people you love, love most. maybe some of those people are all across the country. this just means you have the most giant backyard anyone could ever dream of and you always have a room to sleep in, no matter where you are.

that's the best news ever.

i surely looooooove everything you choose to be about. and you. :o)