Saturday, April 11, 2009

Something in your eyes says we can beat this.

Today was the first time that I was doing something truly remarkable,
TRULY in the vein of living a dream,
and I was confronted with the fact that there is so much I don't know.
There is so much I have to learn if I have half a chance at catching up.
Who am I to think I even could?
Who am I to think I have even half a chance?
That's a stretch, to say the least.

Lying in my bed, I can't even sleep and it's not because I'm excited or elated or playing over all the ways today went well.
Instead, I'm so scared that I've met the reality that I can't do this.
I am very afraid that I've finally been able to see that an "Internet Television Show" filmed on your computer from work on a sub-par "movie editing" program is a joke.

And then I wonder why there are people who think I can.
And I wonder why, on most days, I honestly believe that everything is a possibility.
I wonder why people aren't more afraid when I'm given responsibility.
And I have to hope that they see something in me that I can't.
I hope they have enough faith for the both of us because right now I feel like a let-down.

So maybe that's the making of a good writer.
Or maybe it's the good making of a realist.
But maybe it's the good making of a dreamer who occasionally gets a dose of reality to remind her that she's got to keep getting uncomfortable and keep moving forward.
What a strange place I've been, these past few weeks...

This is a joy I don't deserve:


Grey said...

you are a beauty.

ray said...

people always get behind you on something crazy because they dont have to put anything on the line... then when its over they can say that they never thought you would make it and that you're a dreamer... or when you make it they can say they were always behind you... either way most of the time its a lie...