Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The shark has pretty teeth.

My observations from spending a weekend in the world of Twilight:

So long have I stayed away from the most recent pop culture phenomenon to rock the free world. Why? Because it affects people with what I call the Twilight Bug.

Signs you may have the Twilight Bug:

  • You make irrational attachments to fictional characters
  • You create or have an unacceptable amount of Twilight related flair on Facebook
  • You refer to yourself as the Future Mrs. Cullen, or Bella (and your name is really Tammy)
  • You have stopped reading other books. Only Twilight books, over and over and over...
  • Twilight is the best movie you have ever seen in your life, no questions asked
  • You will not be watching anything other than Youtube interviews with Robert Pattinson until the next Twilight movie comes out, if it ever does
  • You insist your significant other begin wearing white face make-up
And this is the problem, I can go ahead and confess that I am usually heavily impacted by the things I watch. I am that kid who should've had parents keep them from watching The Smurfs because now I'm parading around town in blue body paint singing songs and harvesting mushrooms. So I stayed away.

Then I took a one million hour road trip to a wedding: Nashville to Miami within 24 hours. I read the first one, which probably was a bad idea because my emotions were already kerbobbled just from being at the wedding. Then I read the second one... I am sad to admit I finished it in one day. Then we saw the movie and this is when I was allowed to re-center my life.

The movie was not filled with young tweens like I had been preparing myself for. No. On this Monday evening it was filled with their mothers, all oo-ing and aw-ing over Edward the vampire.

"I mean, how long is it going to take for the next movie to come out!? Why isn't it ready!?"

"This was the best movie I've ever seen! EVER!"

"Casting was so perfect on this movie! I couldn't imagine more perfect characters!"

Really? You REALLY couldn't think of more perfect characters? You REALLY couldn't think of a better movie? I mean, the movie was good- junk food for your brain but I don't know that it will ever show up on a list of 100 Best Movies of All Time. I don't think it ever intended to end up on a list like that.

Everything is back to normal for me. I cannot join in this insanity.

Reasons why women respond to a story like this:

  • Ladies enjoy the thought of a boy being madly in love with them (but normally only when they themselves are madly in love with that boy)
  • Ladies enjoy the thought of a handsome, rich boy being madly in love with them (even if they themselves are not madly in love with that boy)
  • Ladies love adventurous boys (this boy happens to be undead and climb trees with remarkable ease)
  • Ladies, for some reason, really empathize with the idea of star-crossed love ("he's dead, you're not" kind of thing)
  • Ladies like the idea that a happy ending will last forever (We will forever be in intense maddening love, as we look beautiful and young forever with lots of money to support ourselves so we don't have to work forever and we can just be together forever.)

This having been said, it is important to know that:
  1. Edward Cullen, if there is such a man floating around the world, is not in fact a survivor of the Spanish Influenze epidemic infecting Chicago in 1910.
  2. Robert Pattinson is actually an actor from London, not said epidemic survivor.
  3. He more than likely will not marry you, especially if your are someone's middle-aged mother.
  4. He will not carry you up a tree in Washington, whether you are a middle-aged mother or not.
  5. It is probably better that vampires do not exist.
  6. Vampires do not exist.
  7. Again, Edward Cullen, the vampire, does not exist.
Enjoy your Twilight, but don't let it get out of control America. Boys can't be that. They can't live up to that. If anyone knows anything to the contrary concerning the undead, I formally apologize.

1 comment:

leslie said...

you just make me smile. and this is just one of the reasons why i won't jump on the Twilight bandwagon.

thank you for solidifying my decision.