Tuesday, October 21, 2008

You must've been a beautiful baby

Today I am working in Fido's as in working from a table in Fido's, not serving the coffee. While in here, Erin and I have been privy to the parade of beautiful babies and their happy mothers. One especially cute breed of child is this small baby dressed as a character from a Dr.Seuss book. He has a faux-hawk and sits patiently in his baby carrier while his mom and grandmother chat over a trendy brunch.

This led Erin and I to make a list of things babies can get away with that we cannot as adults. Feel the jealousy.

  • Make cawing or monster noises: Babies can, on a whim, decide to make a noise similar to a fire engine siren and no one judges them. Instead of using their words, they screech. What would dinner be like if one of your grown friends broke the silence by gurgling loudly? They would be eating dinner alone from now on.
  • Have a fat butt, big belly and a double chin. The bigger the better. Everyone is concerned with shedding that unwanted belly fat, but have you ever seen an emaciated baby? People go to jail for thin babies. We like them rolly and polly. The more chins they have, the better. Babies don't have elbows, they just have dimples in the soft part of where their arms bend. And they look cute in everything. A baby doesn't look fat in anything they wear. Little baby girls actually need help from their diaper to make their little baby bloomers look fuller and cuter for holiday pictures. Go figure. If that's the route I went, I would be raising a pride of cats for the rest of my life.
  • Stare unapologetically. Babies staring make people respond with smiles and waving and ridiculous baby talk. Now a man with a gray, stringy beard staring= restraining order. Me sitting in a corner lurking and staring= restraining order. Even slightly older children staring sometimes = creepy kids. Babies have the monopoly of undaunted looking.
  • Cry when you are tired. What if you were in a busy meeting and suddenly Tina, the East Coast sales rep threw her head on the table and just cried loudly. She might even speak with a whine. She'd shut you down when you tried to offer her something to drink. She would be fired. But children have been known to do ridiculous things to express their sleepiness and get away with it. Mothers all around Target listened to a little girl throw a fit when her parents tried shoes on her feet. They said "Aw! Somebody is ready for a nap." No one hears my tantrum and thinks "Sweet girl just needs a nap."
  • Take a nap when you are tired. Likewise, if Tina threw a fit, we would not adjourn our meeting to let Tina rest up. "Aw, Tina just needs a nap and then we'll get back to talking about a new marketing strategy targeting college and young adults. Three hours sound okay? No one better think of waking Tina up before then! She'll be cranky at dinner time if you do."
  • Wear no pants. You are wearing just a leotard. Your thighs have no tone or shape. This is definitely an occasion to forget the pants.
  • Take your socks off, with your mouth. First of all, you're probably sitting on a table your mom or dad has decided is the perfect place for you. From high atop this mountain, let everyone see how limber you are by putting your foot in your mouth, literally. Impress them further by using a mouth devoid of teeth to pull the very socks from your feet. People will clap for you and say you are so smart. They will write down this day in a book and refer to it when mentioning how much of a genius you are growing up to be.
  • Wear no shoes. Shoes are for people who are walking places. If I left the house only wearing socks everyday, I'd have no more socks. Babies worry more about having to coordinate their socks with their outfits than shoes, which is pretty great because socks are usually cheaper. Plus, boy or girl, you can sport the latest fashions like "duckies" or "baseball playing teddy bears" or "pastel polka dots".
  • Start conversations with strangers. A little girl once struck up a friendship with me by asking me if I wanted to limbo with her. While I had never used that particular technique before, I have since used it with startling success. "Hey, wanna limbo?" works like a charm. The other day, a young girl with no shoes on (coincidence?) walked right up to Erin and I and waved. Were we put off by this? Did we look at her strangely? No. We immediately waved back and struck up a conversation.
So the moral of this story? Kids have it great, namely because there are no repercussions for acting like a crazy. Well, I'm going to go put on my puppy costume and get back to work, but maybe not til after I have a nap to shake off some of this crankiness.


Allison Drew said...

Funny... I recently had a conversation with someone about how when we have kids we will not let them stare at people in public. Mostly because it makes people uncomfortable. Also, babies shouldn't be allowed to just have a tantrum in pblic. It makes me hate them.

Brandon said...

Mucho Props on this one. Whenever you read this...this blog was the reason I was laughing so hard and making ungodly noises while sitting beside you at work...good job!