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Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Open Apology to My Life As I've Known It

Dear everyone:

I feel like I need to get this out there before my wanderings and other related actions cause me to have no people left in my life.

1. First and foremost it is important for you to know that as of this very second, I have NO CLUE what I will be doing in the very next second. I have been forced to reduce my decion making abilities down to the moments. Things change by the moment. Last night I was leaving Knoxville and decided to drive back to Nashville, and before I had finished getting that thought out to Erin I had already changed my mind and decided to go on and drive to Jacksonville. I say that to say this, it is not my intention to mislead anyone or ruin anyone's life. Know that Luke Johnson has already called me a toolbag at LEAST twice because I missed get-togethers with him because I changed all my plans. For this, I say I am very Very VERY sorry. I know it is utterly inconvenient.

2. MeLissa, why do you keep changing the plan? you might ask. As a result of starting the strangest, riskiest, best, most dangerous adventure of my life, there is nothing certain in my life other than Jesus is the lover of my soul. Currently I have no job, no money. Mo' money, mo' problems? No money comes with just as many problems, Puff Daddy. Did I tell you I had no pride left either? Yes, this is the truth. When you have worked your whole life to graduate college with a stellar GPA in four years at the top of your class, its hard to do it sometimes, but I have managed to get to that low point very quickly. I applied to be a narrator for Nashville Duck Tours. That means I ride around in a safari outfit on a boat with wheels telling tourists about exciting Nashville facts. Four years of college and I am going to be a tour guide on a boat car. Don't sign up just yet though, all the positions were full, so unfortunately for everyone, I will not be joining the illustrious ranks of Duck Tours.

3. The worst part is that in this moment I am at an all-time low for general discontenment. This is bad news for me, and is the side of things that normally spills over onto all my friends and also ruins their decision to be friends with me. I don't entirely know the remedy for this problem. See, I thought I knew what would make me happy, but I really feel like God has this ridiculous sense of humor. He uses the most left field things to snap me back to reality. Cody Kelton posted a blog about a list of questions he was currently asking himself.

Questions like:
  • When was the last time your happiness was true contentment and not just a feeling based on a circumstance?
  • What are you running away from?
  • How long do you think you can keep ignoring it?
  • Why are you choosing to believe your own faulty thoughts and emotions over the perfect guidance of your God?

Well, Cody. You might be asking yourself those questions for obvious reasons, but also know you ask them so that I might be aware of how obnoxious I am being.

Solutions:

a. Know that some of these revelations are recent. Know that I have just realized them so if you haven't seen immediate results, its because as of 11:30 pm eastern time, I've yet to have an opportunity to put into practice my decision to relax.

b. Know that right now there are three things that are dominating my mind and my time. If there is a conversation, activity, trip, adventure that is unrelated to those three things, it is hard to get me excited to participate. I am REALLY sorry about this. That is a genuine apology. It is my best hope that this will quickly change now that I am typing this. Having said that, I hope I haven't ruined too many lives with my recent disinterest in life in general. For me, it normally happens after camp. Right now I am just highly distracted, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't focus, I can't carry on a conversation for longer than ten minutes with most anyone. I am so sorry. Reading this makes me feel sorry for everyone who has tried talking to me in the past three weeks...

c. This is my promise- things will get better. I will get my act together. I will stop moping. I will stop living in this bubble. I will stop floating away. I will come back to earth and return from Narnia. I promise I won't continue telling you about centaurs and trying to convince you they existed. That last statement wont even make sense to most people, but know that it isn't completely pulled out of nowhere. I promise I will be more patient, and more willing to chat. I promise to come back down to the ground.

Be patient with me. Lots of things are changing. I don't entirely know, at this point, how I am going to make all the pieces of my life fit together. I know it will work out in the end, but, to all my dear precious friends, give me time. Know that I will tell you sorry as I break your hearts and I will try my hardest not to break them at all. I might need you to call me. I might need you to text me. Try not to kill me if I don't initiate the contact. Its not that I don't love you, as I stated earlier. It's that right now I am fighting to come out of a cloud. Know that I am facing a lot of concerns Ive never had before and I am scared to death that I have been monstrously wrong about everything- Nashville, work, life, love, the pursuit of happiness.

If you would just sit with me and wait and see, that would be wonderful.

1 comment:

leslie said...

i love sitting and waiting with you. can we please make that happen again soon? ok. thanks.